| Are you tired of having upsets with the people in | | | | cursing. |
| your life? Do you want to learn the art of | | | | 12. In order to be heard, avoid starting your |
| communication so that you can experience successful | | | | sentences with the following words because they |
| relationships with your family, friends, and the people | | | | often feel like attacks and provoke arguments. |
| you work with? Then read the 16 important keys to | | | | "I know you. . ." (You only know about yourself.)" |
| successful communication. | | | | I like you, but. . ." (The "but" discounts the first part |
| Are you tired of having upsets with the people in | | | | of the sentence.)" |
| your life? Do you want to learn the art of | | | | You feel. . ." (People do not like to be told how they |
| communication so that you can experience successful | | | | are feeling.)" |
| relationships with your family, friends, and the people | | | | Why are you feeling . . .?" (You are asking them to |
| you work with? To begin with, you may want to | | | | rationally justify their feelings. Emotions are real and |
| make the following agreement." | | | | valid even if they are irrational.)" |
| I care about you, and I am committed to | | | | You always or never. . ." (These words are too |
| communicating with you in constructive ways. I | | | | absolute, and the listener will be focusing on the |
| realize that I am responsible for all my thoughts and | | | | times they did or didn't so that they can defend |
| feelings. I am willing to be present and to listen to | | | | themselves.)" |
| you. My focus is on accepting both of our | | | | You make me. . ." (No one can make you feel a |
| viewpoints, and creating win-win situations and | | | | certain way. You are totally responsible for how you |
| solutions. It is such a joy to communicate with you, | | | | perceive and react to things.)" |
| and to maintain the bridge between us so that we | | | | Don't you think . . .?" (You are implying that they |
| can be close. I like feeling close to you." | | | | should think your way.)" |
| Now that you are clear about your goal, here are | | | | You should. . ." (These words are telling the other |
| some guidelines that can help you keep your | | | | person that they are not okay if they do not do |
| communication agreement. | | | | what you say-which often leads to rebellious behavior |
| 1. Take the time to communicate with yourself; tune | | | | because they are not feeling that they have a |
| into your own thoughts and feelings to be clearly | | | | choice.) |
| aware of what you want to share with others. | | | | 13. In order to be heard, begin your sentences with |
| 2. Take responsibility for your thoughts and feelings | | | | the following words: |
| by beginning your sentences with "I." | | | | "I imagine. . ." (Your imagination is not threatening to |
| 3. Ask for what you want instead of telling people | | | | another.)" |
| what you do not want. For example, "I would like | | | | I like you and. . ." (They are likely to be open to your |
| you to calmly tell me what you want," is better than, | | | | comment.)" |
| "Don't yell at me!" | | | | I feel. . ." (People like to hear what you are feeling.)" |
| 4. Understand that communication is sharing opinions | | | | What (or How) are you feeling?" (These words ask |
| and feelings. Avoid debating which is trying to prove | | | | for information and show that you care.)" |
| right or wrong. | | | | Sometimes or often. . ." (People can often handle |
| 5. Make a statement first so people know what you | | | | non-absolutes.)" |
| are thinking. Then ask them for their opinion. For | | | | I resent. . ." (Taking responsibility for your feelings |
| example, "I would like to go to the movie. Would you | | | | helps the other person hear you.)" |
| like to go?" | | | | What do you want?" (You are helping the other |
| 6. Avoid mind reading. If you are unclear about any | | | | person tell you what they desire-shows that you |
| communication, ask for specifics. For example, "How | | | | care enough to ask.)" |
| do you mean that? What do you mean?" | | | | I want (prefer, or would like). . ." (People like direct |
| 7. Watch for non-verbal messages-gestures, posture, | | | | and clear messages.) |
| tone of voice, etc., to fully understand what the | | | | 14. Be aware of your non-verbal messages and be |
| person is saying. | | | | congruent. That is, your body language and words |
| 8. Rather than giving advice, point out the different | | | | need to be sending the same message. |
| choices you see, and allow the other person to make | | | | For example, if you say, "What do you want?" with |
| their own decisions. | | | | an annoyed tone of voice, you are sending the |
| 9. Really listen to what they are trying to tell you. | | | | message that you really do not care about what |
| (Avoid thinking about what you want to say next.) | | | | they want. |
| Then let them know that you have heard them by | | | | 15. If you are upset, do what you need to do in |
| repeating what they have said in your own words. | | | | order to feel calm so that you can communicate |
| 10. To let the other person know that you are | | | | constructively. For example, take a walk, nap, write |
| listening, use eye contact, or say, "Uh huh," or "I hear | | | | down your feelings, or yell into a pillow. |
| you." | | | | 16. Create win-win situations by brainstorming until |
| 11. If a person is not communicating with you, be | | | | both parties are satisfied with the solution. Then |
| aware if you are doing one or more of the following: | | | | work out the specific details to carry out the |
| not listening, judging, talking too much, interrupting, | | | | mutually agreed upon decision. |
| not being interested in the other person's | | | | These techniques can greatly enhance your |
| communication, being impatient, criticizing, being | | | | relationships. Be forgiving and patient with yourself |
| sarcastic, overreacting, psychoanalyzing, labeling, or | | | | and others as you acquire the art of communication. |