| A small town, somewhere in the world, was | | | | cooperative, and they were disruptive!" |
| managed by a town council of seven or eight | | | | What, then, was the problem? |
| members. The council normally met once a week. | | | | Could it be, he apparently asked himself, that he was |
| One member - let's call him Bill - would invariably stroll | | | | the problem? |
| into the council chamber exactly ten minutes after | | | | Was he relating to his young charges correctly? Or |
| the time scheduled for the meeting. | | | | was he, quite unwittingly, pushing them into them |
| For Bill's fellow councilors, this seemingly inconsiderate | | | | into the same corner into which Bill had been pushed |
| practice was very disruptive. At first, since Bill was | | | | by his colleagues on the town council? |
| known to be an extremely busy professional, they | | | | How, he asked himself further, does a teacher react |
| were prepared to assume that he had been | | | | if a guest comes to her classroom and forgets her |
| unavoidably delayed. But when history repeated itself | | | | umbrella? Does he run after her and say: "What's the |
| meeting after meeting, they began to wonder.. | | | | matter with you? Every time you come to visit you |
| Then one day, the sleepy little town was overtaken | | | | forget something. Next time, you'll forget your head! |
| by a crisis, and the mayor asked his councilors to | | | | Why can't you be like your sister? She's a responsible |
| attend an emergency session - at 7 the following | | | | person.." |
| morning. And you guessed it - Bill turned up at 7:10 | | | | For sure, he will say nothing more than "Here's your |
| precisely. | | | | umbrella." That's it. But nobody knows why a teacher |
| This seemed to confirm the mayor's suspicion's that | | | | (or a parent) has to assume the role of a judge, or a |
| something more than unavoidable circumstances lay | | | | prophet, when he or she is addressing a child. |
| behind Bill's habitual latecoming. After the meeting he | | | | A wise person knows that to label a person is to |
| called over the offending councilman for a private | | | | disable him. This applies especially in the case of |
| chat. | | | | young children, whose minds are like wet cement. |
| To the mayor's surprise, Bill accepted the rebuke | | | | The diagnosis may become the disease. A child may |
| with good grace. Punctuality had never been his | | | | often live up to his parent or teacher's negative |
| strongest point, he pleaded, and it had never dawned | | | | prediction. |
| on him that his bad habit was upsetting everybody | | | | But that's not all. |
| so. But from this point, he assured the mayor, he | | | | What do you do when feel you're the target of |
| was a reformed man... | | | | verbal abuse? Normally, you answer back. You give |
| The day of the next council gathering came around, | | | | as good as you get. But what if you're powerless to |
| and sure enough, Bill was among the first to arrive. | | | | defend yourself against one who insults or belittles |
| "What's the matter Bill?" jeered one of his colleagues. | | | | you? At the very least, you'd try to immunize |
| "Is your watch half an hour fast?" | | | | yourself against any further verbal barbs and stings. |
| "Surely, you were locked out of your house!" added | | | | You'd begin to seal off your mind. |
| a second, in a somewhat derisive tone. | | | | Labeling, or any kind of negative name-calling, is not |
| Right until the end of his term of office, Bill was | | | | only a way to make personal enemies. It is one of |
| never on time for a council meeting again. | | | | the deadliest enemies of communication itself. |
| ********* | | | | Through it - and I am choosing my words carefully - |
| This is a story that actually happened, although I | | | | parents or teachers could lose their children forever. |
| have changed some of the details. | | | | We want to place our children in at atmosphere in |
| Three or four decades ago, an educational | | | | which learning can thrive and creativity can flourish. |
| psychologist by the name of Haim Ginott caused | | | | We want them to prepare themselves for mature |
| quite a stir when he suggested to parents and | | | | and responsible adulthood. We dare not shut the |
| teachers that they try a new way of communicating | | | | door in their faces. |
| with children. He urged them to unlearn the language | | | | "Fine," you might say, "but how do we do things the |
| of rejection - blaming and shaming, ridiculing and | | | | right way?" |
| belittling, threatening and bribing - and to learn a new | | | | It's a complex subject, but here's a simpleillustration |
| language of acceptance. | | | | to keep you going. |
| In his bestselling books, Ginott repeatedly wrote | | | | In the best of schools, it sometimes happens that |
| about the need for "congruent communication." By | | | | two classmates insist on striking up a conversation |
| this, he meant that the way we communicate should | | | | precisely when their teacher needs their undivided |
| be congruent, or consistent, with our objective. | | | | attention - for example, when he is about to assign |
| What a pity that so much of our communication isn't! | | | | homework. Here are two short sound bytes from |
| We see this clearly from our story. Had his colleagues | | | | two different schools. |
| given Bill some badly needed encouragement in | | | | Teacher A: "Shut up - or else! You guys belong in a |
| breaking a difficult habit, everybody would have | | | | reformatory." |
| come out a winner. But instead of drawing him near, | | | | Teacher B; "I need to assign homework now. I |
| they pushed him away. | | | | cannot do it unless there is absolute quiet!" |
| Before taking up psychology, Ginott had been an | | | | Who is the more effective communicator? You be |
| elementary school teacher, first in Israel and then in | | | | the judge! |
| the USA. But he was not happy, for he realized that | | | | ****** |
| his professional training had not equipped him well for | | | | Copyright © 2004 Azriel Winnett |
| the cold realities of the classroom. "I tried to teach | | | | Before using this article in your publication, please |
| my students to be polite," he complained, "and they | | | | email . Your cooperation is appreciated! |
| were rude; to be neat, and they were messy; to be | | | | |