| How do you respond to difficult conversations? Do | | | | yourself. |
| you hide from them? Do you push your way | | | | • Listen with an open, nonjudgmental ear. Do |
| through them like a bull in a china shop? Each of us, | | | | not try and figure out why someone is doing |
| whether we work independently or in an office | | | | something. You cannot read minds and are not |
| environment, faces difficult conversations every | | | | trained in Freudian psychoanalysis. You insult people |
| day. You want to feel confident and in control | | | | when you make naive assumptions about the |
| when you face a difficult conversation. Now you | | | | motivations behind their behaviors. |
| can learn how to do just that. In this article, I will | | | | • Accept small changes that lead to more |
| share some tips for handling the two kinds of difficult | | | | effective communication. |
| conversations we face. | | | | Hearing information you do not want to hear. All of |
| There are two types of difficult conversations: the | | | | us face times when someone sits us down and says, |
| ones where we must tell someone something he or | | | | "There's something I need to say to you." Oops. |
| she does not want to hear and the ones where we | | | | Now we are on the other side of the table. As |
| are hearing something we don't want to hear. Let's | | | | soon as we hear those words, what happens to |
| look at both instances | | | | us? If you're like me, you feel the hair rise on the |
| Sharing information someone doesn't want to hear. | | | | back of your neck. You feel your defenses soar. |
| This kind of difficult conversation sneaks into our | | | | Again, we can do some things to make these kinds |
| lives in all sorts of places. It can occur in relation to | | | | of difficult conversations easier. |
| something that your best friend or your spouse did, | | | | • Don't get defensive. Of course, this is |
| or it can occur in relation to something your boss | | | | easier said than done. As soon as we feel someone |
| did. Regardless, how you handle the situation could | | | | is challenging us, it's a natural reaction to feel |
| make or break a relationship (or a job!). One of my | | | | defensive. We want to say, "But, I didn't mean" or |
| clients often has to face difficult conversations with | | | | "But, you weren't there" or "But, you also do." The |
| his spouse. He describes his spouse as a "shark" | | | | list is endless. Instead of responding with your usual |
| who might lop off his arm if he doesn't handle the | | | | "buts", listen to what the person has to say. |
| conversation with the utmost care. We've worked | | | | • Ask lots of questions. Here you will apply |
| through many a conversation. Sometimes he, | | | | the second C of the Three C's in the Say It Just |
| indeed, loses an arm and other times he comes out | | | | Right model. You want to be really curious. |
| successfully. One of the biggest problems with | | | | Discover as much as you can about what the person |
| sharing information someone doesn't want to hear is | | | | wants from you. |
| we don't want to share it. We'd prefer for the | | | | • Negotiate. Once you know what the |
| problem to correct itself without our intervention. | | | | person wants, share what you want. Then, you are |
| Our reluctance to act means we wait too long. We | | | | in a position to negotiate. If, for example, your boss |
| put off what we must do. | | | | wants you to spend more time in the office, you |
| Here are some tips for dealing with these kinds of | | | | might suggest one hour a week more instead of one |
| difficult conversations: | | | | hour a day. Become an active player in the solution |
| • Act quickly. Do not wait for the problem to | | | | of the problem. |
| resolve itself. The faster you act the easier it will | | | | • When the criticism feels personal, take a |
| be for the person to accept the information. If, for | | | | deep breath and try to de-personalize it. Often, |
| example, you let it go on for weeks (or sometimes | | | | people use language that puts us on the defensive. |
| years), the person's actions become habitual. It will | | | | For example, someone might say, "You said you'd |
| be harder for them to change their behavior. | | | | finish this by Friday and you failed again." All those |
| Furthermore, the person might challenge you with, | | | | "you statements" feel personal. When you respond |
| "Why are you telling me this now?" | | | | you need to ask questions. "What do you mean I |
| • Think before you act. Ask yourself what | | | | failed again? Help me understand where that's |
| exactly is troubling you. Ask yourself what you | | | | coming from." |
| want the person to do. Ask yourself if the problem | | | | • Make sure you are clear on the next steps |
| is indeed a real problem. Have you made a mountain | | | | before the conversation ends. Do not end a difficult |
| out of a mole hill? What is really going on here? | | | | conversation with something vague. "I'll try and do |
| Do some serious soul-searching before you act. | | | | better." Or "Okay, whatever you say." |
| • Listen to the other person's point of view. | | | | We all face difficult conversations both at home and |
| While you are listening to the other person, apply the | | | | at work. The trick is learning how to best handle |
| Three C's from the Say It Just Right model. Listen | | | | those conversations so they do not destroy our |
| with compassion and curiosity. Imagine what it must | | | | relationships. When you study the Say It Just Right |
| be like for them to hear what you are saying. And | | | | model of communication and put those ideas into |
| always remember you cannot change the other | | | | practice, you will get closer to that magic place |
| person. Be ready to make changes and concessions | | | | where even difficult conversations are not so hard. |