| Many times when an angry or rageful man comes | | | | disagreement. Without a disagreement, it is impossible |
| into the office to see me for the first visit, he is in a | | | | to have an argument. Now these words go against |
| deep crisis. Such was the case with Jerry. He was in | | | | some of our training as men. What we men have |
| the deep doghouse. He was separated from | | | | learned is how to hang on to being right. I was told |
| his wife and she had filed for divorce. A man is in the | | | | that I should never give up when I was right. I was |
| deep doghouse when his wife is very angry | | | | taught to stick to what I believed. And this idea of |
| and most of the communication is her expressing | | | | sticking with what you believe, never stopping, |
| anger, displeasure and criticism of him. | | | | hanging on to being right, may be useful in many |
| Although Jerry was deep in the doghouse, he was | | | | areas of your life, but I think you probably have |
| what I call an eager customer. He was not interested | | | | found that it is not useful in your marriage. |
| in spending the session explaining to me how he was | | | | The truth of the matter is, no matter what anyone |
| right and she was wrong. Neither was he particularly | | | | says, you can usually find some smidgen of truth in it. |
| interested in exploring his psychological make-up or | | | | You can acknowledge they are right in some way. |
| that of his wife. | | | | You are right does not mean you agree to |
| Jerry was an engineer with 20 years at a big oil | | | | change anything. I say this over and over |
| company. Often, therapists complain of engineers | | | | againand it is hard for most ragers to |
| because they are slow to get in touch with their | | | | comprehend. Someone telling me that I am selfish, |
| feelings. However, engineers are my favorite clients | | | | self-centered and egotistical is not a request for a |
| because they put the pressure on me to provide | | | | behavioral change. These are universal, human frailties. |
| something that works and works quickly. He wanted | | | | I make no commitment to change any behavior |
| something to prove to his wife that he was making a | | | | when I agree with my wife that I am selfish, |
| dramatic change. | | | | self-centered and egotistical. It is not the time to |
| We discussed the importance of abstaining from the | | | | argue when you are deep in the doghouse and your |
| 15 behaviors that trigger rageaholics. Jerry said that | | | | wife is ranting and raving at you. |
| he would work to control his behavior. He said that | | | | When deep in the doghouse, you should not explain |
| he would not be in this predicament if he had been | | | | your behavior, not defend your behavior and |
| abstaining from these behaviors all along, especially | | | | certainly not counterattack. Deep doghouse |
| profanity. | | | | communication is about receiving the message and |
| The next week he said that things were no worse | | | | validating her point of view. It is about receiving, not |
| with his wife and he had not lost his temper. I | | | | sending. Arguments get started when you try to |
| complimented Jerry on his good work. He had done a | | | | send back when she is still sending. If you say, |
| great job of not exploding, even when his wife was | | | | Well, you haven’t always been around |
| cursing him and calling him names. Jerry went to | | | | here either--How about the two weeks you went to |
| great lengths to stop his profanity, name-calling, | | | | visit your mother? that is gasoline on the fire. |
| mocking and threatening, and he even kept a quiet | | | | Many of you may be thinking, But what if she |
| voice. | | | | isn’t right? Am I supposed to lie? I suggest |
| When I asked him what he wanted to get out of | | | | that you: |
| the next session, he said, I want to learn how to | | | | 1. Say the phrase, You are right. |
| stop arguing with her, if that is possible. He said | | | | 2. Find some truth in what she is saying and agree |
| that they kept having very long arguments that | | | | with it. |
| went on for hours on the phone. I told Jerry that | | | | 3. Get your but out of the way. Don’t |
| there were three words that would stop any | | | | say, You are right, but
|
| argument: You are right. | | | | You can state your opinion when you get out of the |
| These words will stop an argument because in order | | | | doghouse. |
| to have an argument, there has to be a | | | | |