| What IS assertive communication? | | | | and honest, and contributes to the growth of |
| Assertive communication is the ability to express | | | | yourrelationship with each other. |
| positive andnegative ideas and feelings in an open, | | | | Strong "I" statements have three specific elements: |
| honest and direct way. Itrecognises our rights whilst | | | | 1. Behaviour2. Feeling3. Tangible effect (consequence |
| still respecting the rights ofothers. It allows us to | | | | to you) |
| take responsibility for ourselves and ouractions | | | | Example: "I feel frustrated when you are late for |
| without judging or blaming other people. And it allows | | | | meetings. Idon't like having to repeat information." |
| usto constructively confront and find a mutually | | | | Six techniques for assertive communication |
| satisfyingsolution where conflict exists. | | | | There are six assertive techniques - let's look at each |
| So why use assertive communication? | | | | of themin turn. |
| All of us use assertive behaviour at times... quite | | | | 1. Behaviour Rehearsal: which is literally practising how |
| often when wefeel vulnerable or unsure of ourselves | | | | youwant to look and sound. It is a very useful |
| we may resort tosubmissive, manipulative or | | | | technique when youfirst want to use "I" statements, |
| aggressive behaviour. | | | | as it helps dissipate anyemotion associated with an |
| Yet being trained in assertive communication actually | | | | experience and allows you toaccurately identify the |
| increasesthe appropriate use of this sort of | | | | behaviour you wish to confront. |
| behaviour. It enables us toswap old behaviour | | | | 2. Repeated Assertion (the 'broken record'): this |
| patterns for a more positive approach to life.I've | | | | techniqueallows you to feel comfortable by ignoring |
| found that changing my response to others (be they | | | | manipulative verbalside traps, argumentative baiting |
| workcolleagues, clients or even my own family) can | | | | and irrelevant logic whilesticking to your point. To |
| be exciting andstimulating. | | | | most effectively use this techniqueuse calm |
| The advantages of assertive communication | | | | repetition, and say what you want and stay focused |
| There are many advantages of assertive | | | | onthe issue. You'll find that there is no need to |
| communication, mostnotably these: | | | | rehearse thistechnique, and no need to 'hype yourself |
| * It helps us feel good about ourselves and others* | | | | up' to deal with others. |
| It leads to the development of mutual respect with | | | | Example: |
| others* It increases our self-esteem* It helps us | | | | "I would like to show you some of our products" "No |
| achieve our goals* It minimises hurting and alienating | | | | thank you,I'm not interested" "I really have a great |
| other people* It reduces anxiety* It protects us | | | | range to offer you""That may be true, but I'm not |
| from being taken advantage of by others* It enables | | | | interested at the moment" "Isthere someone else |
| us to make decisions and free choices in life* It | | | | here who would be interested?" "I don't wantany of |
| enables us to express, both verbally and non-verbally, | | | | these products" "Okay, would you take this brochure |
| a wide range of feelings and thoughts, both positive | | | | andthink about it?" "Yes, I will take a brochure" |
| and negative | | | | "Thank you""You're welcome" |
| There are, of course, disadvantages... | | | | 3. Fogging: this technique allows you to receive |
| Disadvantages of assertive communication | | | | criticismcomfortably, without getting anxious or |
| Others may not approve of this style of | | | | defensive, and withoutrewarding manipulative criticism. |
| communication, or may notapprove of the views you | | | | To do this you need toacknowledge the criticism, |
| express. Also, having a healthy regardfor another | | | | agree that there may be some truth towhat they |
| person's rights means that you won't always get | | | | say, but remain the judge of your choice of action. |
| whatYOU want. You may also find out that you | | | | Anexample of this could be, "I agree that there are |
| were wrong about aviewpoint that you held. But | | | | probably timeswhen I don't give you answers to |
| most importantly, as mentionedearlier, it involves the | | | | your questions. |
| risk that others may not understand andtherefore | | | | 4. Negative enquiry: this technique seeks out criticism |
| not accept this style of communication. | | | | aboutyourself in close relationships by prompting the |
| What assertive communication is not... | | | | expression ofhonest, negative feelings to improve |
| Assertive communication is definately NOT a lifestyle! | | | | communication. To use ifeffectively you need to |
| It's NOT aguarantee that you will get what you | | | | listen for critical comments, clarifyyour understanding |
| want. It's definately NOT anacceptable style of | | | | of those criticisms, use the information if itwill be |
| communication with everyone, but at leastit's NOT | | | | helpful or ignore the information if it is manipulative.An |
| being aggressive. | | | | example of this technique would be, "So you think |
| But it IS about choice | | | | believe thatI am not interested?" |
| Four behavioural choices | | | | 5. Negative assertion: this technique lets you look |
| There are, as I see it, four choices you can make | | | | morecomfortably at negatives in your own behaviour |
| about whichstyle of communication you can employ. | | | | or personalitywithout feeling defensive or anxious, |
| These types are:direct aggression: bossy, arrogant, | | | | this also reduces yourcritics' hostility. You should |
| bulldozing, intolerant,opinionated, and | | | | accept your errors or faults, butnot apologise. |
| overbearingindirect aggression: sarcastic, deceiving, | | | | Instead, tentatively and sympathetically agreewith |
| ambiguous,insinuating, manipulative, and | | | | hostile criticism of your negative qualities. An |
| guilt-inducingsubmissive: wailing, moaning, helpless, | | | | examplewould be, "Yes, you're right. I don't always |
| passive, indecisive, andapologeticassertive: direct, | | | | listen closely towhat you have to say." |
| honest, accepting, responsible, andspontaneous | | | | 6. Workable compromise: when you feel that your |
| Characteristics of assertive communication | | | | self-respect isnot in question, consider a workable |
| There are six main characteristics of assertive | | | | compromise with the otherperson. You can always |
| communication.These are: | | | | bargain for your material goals unless thecompromise |
| 1. eye contact: demonstrates interest, shows | | | | affects your personal feelings of |
| sincerity | | | | self-respect.However, if the end goal involves a |
| 2. body posture: congruent body language will | | | | matter of your self-worth andself-respect, THERE |
| improve the significance of the message | | | | CAN BE NO COMPROMISE. An example of |
| 3. gestures: appropriate gestures help to add | | | | thistechnique would be, "I understand that you have |
| emphasis | | | | a need to talkand I need to finish what I'm doing. So |
| 4. voice: a level, well modulated tone is more | | | | what about meeting inhalf an hour?" |
| convincing and acceptable, and is not intimidating | | | | Conclusion |
| 5. timing: use your judgement to maximise receptivity | | | | Assertiveness is a useful communication tool. It's |
| and impact | | | | application iscontextual and it's not appropriate to be |
| 6. content: how, where and when you choose to | | | | assertive in allsituations. Remember, your sudden use |
| comment is probably more important than WHAT | | | | of assertiveness may beperceived as an act of |
| you say | | | | aggression by others. |
| The importance of "I" statements | | | | There's also no guarantee of success, even when |
| Part of being assertive involves the ability to | | | | you use assertivecommunication styles appropriately. |
| appropriatelyexpress your needs and feelings. You | | | | "Nothing on earth can stop the individual with the |
| can accomplish this by using"I" statements. These | | | | right mental attitude from achieving their goal; nothing |
| indicate ownership, do not attribute blame,focuses on | | | | on earth can help the individual with the wrong |
| behaviour, identifies the effect of behaviour, isdirecdt | | | | mental attitude" W.W. |