| The date today is January 2, 2007. Happy | | | | at it try to figure out how to delete |
| New Year. What was your New Year's | | | | songs from the Apple iPod Nano. The iPod |
| Resolution? Did you resolve to put an | | | | has no delete function. |
| end to the war in Iraq as more American | | | | If you search the internet for the way |
| warships steam towards the Persian Gulf? | | | | to do this you will come upon forums in |
| Did you resolve to put an end to global | | | | which people are acting as though they |
| warming as the Arctic melts into the sea | | | | have been cast into eternal Hellfire |
| and the mother polar bears are unable to | | | | calling out to anyone "Help!" People are |
| feed their cubs? | | | | hysterical and have come up with |
| There are some things you can control | | | | numerous conspiracy theories such as |
| and there are other things which you | | | | "Apple deliberately didn't put a delete |
| cannot control. You cannot control | | | | button on the iPod so that when you |
| whether our sun will burn out today. You | | | | reach 2 Gigabytes you have to buy a new |
| cannot control the fact that one day you | | | | one." The other forum members are |
| will die. Despite that we spend great | | | | offering up so much bad advice that they |
| amounts of time worrying that we or our | | | | sound like the arm chair generals on |
| relatives are going to die. If it is a | | | | Cable Pundit Television, driving |
| fact that we are going to die then why | | | | everyone right over the edge. How many |
| do we spend so much time worrying that | | | | times is Vice President Cheney going to |
| we or the polar bears are going to die? | | | | raise the terror alert to false alarm |
| Wouldn't it be better to stop worrying | | | | code orange to prepare America to invade |
| that everyone is going to die and just | | | | Iran? |
| go on and forget it and enjoy our lives | | | | Today it was discovered that people |
| and our Apple iPod Nanos? Of course it | | | | suffering from shell shock, or post |
| would but unfortunately our minds are | | | | traumatic stress disorder are more prone |
| programmed to worry constantly. We're | | | | to having heart attacks. Apparently the |
| talking about polar bears eating each | | | | fear triggered the adrenaline and the |
| other because we melted their habitat. | | | | adrenaline never shuts off and the |
| The guilt is unbearable. | | | | person's heart is damaged or something. |
| The President of the United States has | | | | Vicious nuclear armed Muslims are coming |
| publicly declared a Christian Crusade | | | | to get you. Global warming will soon |
| against 1 billion Muslims, calling them | | | | cause the sea level to rise 50 feet so |
| Islamofascists. Adolf Hitler was a | | | | that your city is permanently under |
| fascist. He declared war upon the Jews, | | | | water. Mosquitoes are giving people West |
| homosexuals, retarded people, blacks and | | | | Nile virus. Birds will give us a |
| all non white blue eyed blonde people. | | | | pandemic. Cows have mad cow disease. The |
| Hitler planned to annihilate every Jew | | | | deficit is throwing the country into |
| in Europe and the Muslim world. Mohammad | | | | bankruptcy. The iPod anxiety is the |
| Amin al-Husseini, the Mufti of Jerusalem | | | | proverbial straw that broke the camel's |
| was Hitler's ally. The Mufti was one of | | | | back. It is the last straw which will |
| the architects of the concentration | | | | cause us to fight, flee or become frozen |
| camps, and he helped recruit Muslims for | | | | stiff. Not to worry, here is the |
| the SS. Mohammad al-Husseini was the | | | | solution for deleting songs from your |
| Muslim leader of World Jihad who was the | | | | Apple iPod Nano. It's very simple. |
| mentor of Yasser Arafat, Osama bin-Laden | | | | Open up your iTunes program on your |
| and every other Muslim terrorist today. | | | | computer. Click on your library music. |
| Hitler and the Mufti were united by | | | | Start with the first song at the top. If |
| their desire to delete the Jewish people | | | | you want a song on your iPod then you |
| from the planet earth. Today the Muslim | | | | need to give it a five star rating. Only |
| fundamentalists are united in their | | | | the 5 star rated songs will come into |
| desire to delete every non Muslim from | | | | your iPod and all others will be |
| earth because their Koran commands them | | | | deleted. Now click on the first song to |
| to do this (Koran Sura 9:5, 29-30; Sura | | | | highlight it. You can double click it to |
| 56) for great eternal rewards. | | | | see if you like it. Now on the top left |
| How do evil people always seem to grab | | | | click on file. Then click on my rating. |
| political and military power? Herman | | | | Slide over and give it 5 stars if you |
| Goering was a German politician and | | | | want it on and 1 star if you don't. |
| military leader, commander of the | | | | Now connect the iPod to your computer. |
| Luftwaffe and Hitler's second in | | | | The iPod menu comes up automatically. |
| command. He was captured in Austria and | | | | The first tab to come up is Summary. Put |
| sentenced to hang at the Nuremberg | | | | a checkmark on "open iTunes when this |
| trials. The night before the hanging he | | | | iPod is connected." Click "apply" in the |
| committed suicide by ingesting a cyanide | | | | bottom right. Now on the top click |
| capsule. He asked to be killed with | | | | "Music". Put a checkmark on "Synch |
| dignity by a firing squad like a soldier | | | | Music". Put a checkmark on "selected |
| but his request was denied. Rather than | | | | playlists." Put a checkmark on "My top |
| face the humiliation of hanging he took | | | | rated." Click on "apply" in the bottom |
| a cyanide capsule. Since then numerous | | | | right hand corner. Let the process |
| people have said that they gave him the | | | | update your iPod until it says that it |
| pill, just like John Mark Karr pretended | | | | is safe to disconnect the iPod from the |
| to have killed Jon Benet Ramsey. | | | | computer. To disconnect the cable from |
| Mass manipulation of peaceful people | | | | the iPod press the two little buttons on |
| into warmongers is a science. Hermann | | | | the side of the thingy. Now go post |
| Goering said, "Naturally the common | | | | these instructions into one of the |
| people don't want war; neither in | | | | forums and be a hero. |
| Russia, nor in England, nor in America, | | | | As far as the Apocalypse and global |
| nor in Germany. That is understood. But | | | | warming and politics and holy war are |
| after all, it is the leaders of the | | | | concerned forget about it, throw your |
| country who determine policy, and it is | | | | television out the window, eat well, get |
| always a simple matter to drag the | | | | lots of rest and get plenty of exercise |
| people along, whether it is a democracy, | | | | wearing your iPod with only your |
| or a fascist dictatorship, or a | | | | favorite songs. There is nothing that |
| parliament, or a communist dictatorship. | | | | you can do about the other stuff so |
| Voice or no voice, the people can always | | | | don't waste your life worrying about it. |
| be brought to the bidding of the | | | | Wars have been going on forever and they |
| leaders. That is easy. All you have to | | | | always will. It's our killer instinct |
| do is to tell them they are being | | | | which we needed to survive this long in |
| attacked, and denounce the pacifists for | | | | the jungle and the law of the jungle is |
| lack of patriotism and exposing the | | | | "Kill or be killed." Who can delete our |
| country to danger. It works the same in | | | | killer instinct? Who would want to? It's |
| any country." How do you manipulate | | | | for self defense from venomous snakes in |
| hawks into doves? If you figure that out | | | | the jungle and hunting for food. |
| then you are the Messiah. While you are | | | | |