| Airport Delays from The time you spend at an | | | | Paso, Texas. Your only answer is that the pilot must |
| airport could cut days off your vacation. | | | | be an aspiring astronaut - by astronomical standards, |
| This is the time of year when many people interrupt | | | | the star Alpha Centauri, about four light-years away, |
| their busy lives to get away from it all. Some call it a | | | | can still be considered a "small detour" from the sun. |
| vacation. Others call it "ten days at the airport." The | | | | So three thousand miles off course is certainly a |
| airlines don't care what you call it as long as you're | | | | "minor miscalculation." You suddenly feel lucky to still |
| literate enough to understand the meaning of the | | | | be inside the solar system. |
| two most important words in the English language -- | | | | In an effort to calm some of the irate passengers, |
| "delayed" and "cancelled." In fact, these two words | | | | the pilot adds that the stopover will be "short." Now |
| are more important than learning how to use a life | | | | you go into a panic. Does he mean "short" like in |
| jacket. Because the odds of going down in a plane | | | | "small" and "minor?" That could be a major problem -- |
| these days are very slim, due to the fact that the | | | | the lease on your apartment runs out in a few short |
| odds of going up in one in the first place is practically | | | | months. You try explaining to the stewardess that |
| nil. But not fully comprehending these two words can | | | | you can't afford "short" stopovers -- you tied your |
| mean spending days at an airport, literally not | | | | dog down to a pole at Kennedy airport, not |
| knowing whether you're coming or going. | | | | expecting to be gone for too long. You get the |
| The inefficiency of some airlines brings a very | | | | typical response, "Am I flying the plane?" I usually |
| disturbing thought to mind: had Ponce de Leon been | | | | respond, "Well neither is the pilot -- how about letting |
| dependent on this mode of transportation, there's a | | | | me take a shot at it?" |
| good chance Florida would have been discovered by | | | | Naturally, the "short" stopover turns into another |
| Cuban "boat people." Americans, as a result, would | | | | long, airport coffee interlude. You now rack up |
| have been deprived of an abundance of robust | | | | enough cups to become an honorary citizen of Brazil, |
| sunshine, not to mention a lot of wholesome orange | | | | and wind up with enough caffeine in your system to |
| juice. And god knows how Don Johnson's career | | | | revive a comatose patient just by breathing in his |
| would've gotten started. | | | | direction. Then comes the good news: sleeping on |
| To say that planes seldom take off on time is like | | | | your suitcase at an El Paso airport is a lot safer than |
| saying chickens seldom ride bicycles. And when the | | | | sleeping inside a vault in some New York |
| former does happen, it's almost as amazing as the | | | | neighborhoods. That's really great news. Next time |
| latter. Spending eight frustrating hours in an airline | | | | you'll bring along your safe deposit box. |
| terminal building drinking coffee, reading newspapers, | | | | You eventually take off again. This time you know |
| and catnapping as you wait to board a plane, makes | | | | your plane is headed in the right direction because |
| you wonder whether the advertisement, "Come, fly | | | | the pilot is using a new navigational method -- he's |
| with us," really means, "Come, stay with us." | | | | following a flock of migrating Hummingbirds. The |
| You finally board a plane, and, "Fly our friendly skies," | | | | reasoning behind this is very simple: you never see a |
| begins to sound more like, "Taxi our friendly | | | | flock of Hummingbirds stranded inside a terminal |
| runways" - an hour later you're still on the ground. | | | | building. Conclusion: they must know where they're |
| And you're sure the pilot must be breaking in either | | | | going. |
| the tires or the runway. Your only hope is that the | | | | You land in Florida, kiss the ground, quickly run over |
| airline isn't breaking in the pilot. | | | | to the luggage carousel, and have horrifying visions |
| That long-awaited moment -- takeoff -- finally arrives | | | | about kissing your suitcase good-by. The suitcase |
| as a total shock. It's the last thing you expect. You | | | | situation is like a mystical experience - you spend a |
| wonder, is it really happening, or are you in a flight | | | | fortune on a suitcase with all sorts of locks and |
| simulator? You order a meal, and, sure enough, it | | | | zippers so that not even Houdini could get in, then |
| confirms your trip's unquestionable reality - although | | | | you need a psychic to find it. And this is what makes |
| flights can be simulated, no technology on earth is | | | | or breaks a vacation. Ultimately, you'll find two kinds |
| advanced enough to artificially recreate a | | | | of people in a vacation resort: those who are having |
| malnourished tuna fish sandwich and a small, skinny | | | | a good time, and those who've lost their suitcases at |
| pickle on the side which look as "good" as the | | | | the airport. Yet, people never learn. There are |
| originals. This is the real thing alright! | | | | precautions you can take to greatly reduce the |
| You sit back. You relax. And the worst is over. | | | | chances of a lost-suitcase catastrophe. When flying |
| Not quite. | | | | to Florida, for instance, always ship your luggage to |
| Only a short while into the flight, the pilot comes on | | | | Okinawa. This covers you from two angles. First, |
| the PA system: "Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, | | | | your luggage is highly unlikely to ever arrive in |
| this is your captain speaking." (It's a good thing pilots | | | | Okinawa, and therefore has a better chance of |
| always precede their announcements with this | | | | arriving in Florida than if you had sent it to Florida to |
| phrase. Otherwise, passengers might think it's | | | | begin with. Then, in the unlikely event that your |
| Francisco Valenzuela-Lopez, announcing a K-Mart | | | | luggage does arrive in Okinawa, you must remember |
| special.) The pilot announces that due to a "minor | | | | that for you, as a passenger on a domestic flight, to |
| miscalculation" the plane will be making a "small" | | | | wind up in Okinawa is not all that improbable. So, no |
| detour through El Paso, Texas. You quickly take out | | | | matter what happens, there's a good chance you'll |
| your calculator and try to figure out how a plane on | | | | have what to wear.by Josh Greenberger from |
| a two and a half hour, non-stop flight from New | | | | shopndrop. |
| York to Florida can make a "small" detour through El | | | | |