| Airport Delays from The time you spend at
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| | plane on a two and a half hour, non-stop
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| an airport could cut days off your
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| | flight from New York to Florida can make
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| vacation.
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| | a "small" detour through El Paso, Texas.
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| This is the time of year when many people
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| | Your only answer is that the pilot must
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| interrupt their busy lives to get away
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| | be an aspiring astronaut - by
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| from it all. Some call it a vacation.
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| | astronomical standards, the star Alpha
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| Others call it "ten days at the airport."
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| | Centauri, about four light-years away,
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| The airlines don't care what you call it
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| | can still be considered a "small detour"
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| as long as you're literate enough to
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| | from the sun. So three thousand miles off
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| understand the meaning of the two most
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| | course is certainly a "minor
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| important words in the English language
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| | miscalculation." You suddenly feel lucky
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| -- "delayed" and "cancelled." In fact,
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| | to still be inside the solar system.
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| these two words are more important than
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| | In an effort to calm some of the irate
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| learning how to use a life jacket.
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| | passengers, the pilot adds that the
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| Because the odds of going down in a plane
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| | stopover will be "short." Now you go into
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| these days are very slim, due to the fact
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| | a panic. Does he mean "short" like in
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| that the odds of going up in one in the
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| | "small" and "minor?" That could be a
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| first place is practically nil. But not
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| | major problem -- the lease on your
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| fully comprehending these two words can
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| | apartment runs out in a few short months.
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| mean spending days at an airport,
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| | You try explaining to the stewardess that
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| literally not knowing whether you're
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| | you can't afford "short" stopovers -- you
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| coming or going.
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| | tied your dog down to a pole at Kennedy
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| The inefficiency of some airlines brings
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| | airport, not expecting to be gone for too
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| a very disturbing thought to mind: had
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| | long. You get the typical response, "Am I
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| Ponce de Leon been dependent on this mode
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| | flying the plane?" I usually respond,
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| of transportation, there's a good chance
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| | "Well neither is the pilot -- how about
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| Florida would have been discovered by
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| | letting me take a shot at it?"
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| Cuban "boat people." Americans, as a
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| | Naturally, the "short" stopover turns
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| result, would have been deprived of an
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| | into another long, airport coffee
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| abundance of robust sunshine, not to
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| | interlude. You now rack up enough cups to
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| mention a lot of wholesome orange juice.
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| | become an honorary citizen of Brazil, and
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| And god knows how Don Johnson's career
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| | wind up with enough caffeine in your
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| would've gotten started.
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| | system to revive a comatose patient just
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| To say that planes seldom take off on
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| | by breathing in his direction. Then comes
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| time is like saying chickens seldom ride
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| | the good news: sleeping on your suitcase
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| bicycles. And when the former does
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| | at an El Paso airport is a lot safer than
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| happen, it's almost as amazing as the
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| | sleeping inside a vault in some New York
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| latter. Spending eight frustrating hours
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| | neighborhoods. That's really great news.
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| in an airline terminal building drinking
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| | Next time you'll bring along your safe
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| coffee, reading newspapers, and
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| | deposit box.
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| catnapping as you wait to board a plane,
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| | You eventually take off again. This time
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| makes you wonder whether the
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| | you know your plane is headed in the
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| advertisement, "Come, fly with us,"
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| | right direction because the pilot is
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| really means, "Come, stay with us."
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| | using a new navigational method -- he's
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| You finally board a plane, and, "Fly our
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| | following a flock of migrating
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| friendly skies," begins to sound more
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| | Hummingbirds. The reasoning behind this
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| like, "Taxi our friendly runways" - an
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| | is very simple: you never see a flock of
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| hour later you're still on the ground.
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| | Hummingbirds stranded inside a terminal
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| And you're sure the pilot must be
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| | building. Conclusion: they must know
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| breaking in either the tires or the
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| | where they're going.
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| runway. Your only hope is that the
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| | You land in Florida, kiss the ground,
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| airline isn't breaking in the pilot.
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| | quickly run over to the luggage carousel,
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| That long-awaited moment -- takeoff --
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| | and have horrifying visions about kissing
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| finally arrives as a total shock. It's
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| | your suitcase good-by. The suitcase
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| the last thing you expect. You wonder, is
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| | situation is like a mystical experience -
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| it really happening, or are you in a
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| | you spend a fortune on a suitcase with
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| flight simulator? You order a meal, and,
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| | all sorts of locks and zippers so that
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| sure enough, it confirms your trip's
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| | not even Houdini could get in, then you
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| unquestionable reality - although flights
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| | need a psychic to find it. And this is
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| can be simulated, no technology on earth
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| | what makes or breaks a vacation.
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| is advanced enough to artificially
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| | Ultimately, you'll find two kinds of
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| recreate a malnourished tuna fish
| |
| | people in a vacation resort: those who
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| sandwich and a small, skinny pickle on
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| | are having a good time, and those who've
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| the side which look as "good" as the
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| | lost their suitcases at the airport. Yet,
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| originals. This is the real thing
| |
| | people never learn. There are precautions
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| alright!
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| | you can take to greatly reduce the
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| You sit back. You relax. And the worst is
| |
| | chances of a lost-suitcase catastrophe.
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| over.
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| | When flying to Florida, for instance,
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| Not quite.
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| | always ship your luggage to Okinawa. This
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| Only a short while into the flight, the
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| | covers you from two angles. First, your
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| pilot comes on the PA system: "Good
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| | luggage is highly unlikely to ever arrive
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| evening, ladies and gentlemen, this is
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| | in Okinawa, and therefore has a better
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| your captain speaking." (It's a good
| |
| | chance of arriving in Florida than if you
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| thing pilots always precede their
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| | had sent it to Florida to begin with.
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| announcements with this phrase.
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| | Then, in the unlikely event that your
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| Otherwise, passengers might think it's
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| | luggage does arrive in Okinawa, you must
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| Francisco Valenzuela-Lopez, announcing a
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| | remember that for you, as a passenger on
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| K-Mart special.) The pilot announces that
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| | a domestic flight, to wind up in Okinawa
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| due to a "minor miscalculation" the plane
| |
| | is not all that improbable. So, no matter
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| will be making a "small" detour through
| |
| | what happens, there's a good chance
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| El Paso, Texas. You quickly take out your
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| | you'll have what to wear.by Josh
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| calculator and try to figure out how a
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| | Greenberger from shopndrop.
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