Airport Delays (Humor)

Airport Delays from The time you spend at anPaso, Texas. Your only answer is that the pilot must
airport could cut days off your vacation.be an aspiring astronaut - by astronomical standards,
This is the time of year when many people interruptthe star Alpha Centauri, about four light-years away,
their busy lives to get away from it all. Some call it acan still be considered a "small detour" from the sun.
vacation. Others call it "ten days at the airport." TheSo three thousand miles off course is certainly a
airlines don't care what you call it as long as you're"minor miscalculation." You suddenly feel lucky to still
literate enough to understand the meaning of thebe inside the solar system.
two most important words in the English language --In an effort to calm some of the irate passengers,
"delayed" and "cancelled." In fact, these two wordsthe pilot adds that the stopover will be "short." Now
are more important than learning how to use a lifeyou go into a panic. Does he mean "short" like in
jacket. Because the odds of going down in a plane"small" and "minor?" That could be a major problem --
these days are very slim, due to the fact that thethe lease on your apartment runs out in a few short
odds of going up in one in the first place is practicallymonths. You try explaining to the stewardess that
nil. But not fully comprehending these two words canyou can't afford "short" stopovers -- you tied your
mean spending days at an airport, literally notdog down to a pole at Kennedy airport, not
knowing whether you're coming or going.expecting to be gone for too long. You get the
The inefficiency of some airlines brings a verytypical response, "Am I flying the plane?" I usually
disturbing thought to mind: had Ponce de Leon beenrespond, "Well neither is the pilot -- how about letting
dependent on this mode of transportation, there's ame take a shot at it?"
good chance Florida would have been discovered byNaturally, the "short" stopover turns into another
Cuban "boat people." Americans, as a result, wouldlong, airport coffee interlude. You now rack up
have been deprived of an abundance of robustenough cups to become an honorary citizen of Brazil,
sunshine, not to mention a lot of wholesome orangeand wind up with enough caffeine in your system to
juice. And god knows how Don Johnson's careerrevive a comatose patient just by breathing in his
would've gotten started.direction. Then comes the good news: sleeping on
To say that planes seldom take off on time is likeyour suitcase at an El Paso airport is a lot safer than
saying chickens seldom ride bicycles. And when thesleeping inside a vault in some New York
former does happen, it's almost as amazing as theneighborhoods. That's really great news. Next time
latter. Spending eight frustrating hours in an airlineyou'll bring along your safe deposit box.
terminal building drinking coffee, reading newspapers,You eventually take off again. This time you know
and catnapping as you wait to board a plane, makesyour plane is headed in the right direction because
you wonder whether the advertisement, "Come, flythe pilot is using a new navigational method -- he's
with us," really means, "Come, stay with us."following a flock of migrating Hummingbirds. The
You finally board a plane, and, "Fly our friendly skies,"reasoning behind this is very simple: you never see a
begins to sound more like, "Taxi our friendlyflock of Hummingbirds stranded inside a terminal
runways" - an hour later you're still on the ground.building. Conclusion: they must know where they're
And you're sure the pilot must be breaking in eithergoing.
the tires or the runway. Your only hope is that theYou land in Florida, kiss the ground, quickly run over
airline isn't breaking in the pilot.to the luggage carousel, and have horrifying visions
That long-awaited moment -- takeoff -- finally arrivesabout kissing your suitcase good-by. The suitcase
as a total shock. It's the last thing you expect. Yousituation is like a mystical experience - you spend a
wonder, is it really happening, or are you in a flightfortune on a suitcase with all sorts of locks and
simulator? You order a meal, and, sure enough, itzippers so that not even Houdini could get in, then
confirms your trip's unquestionable reality - althoughyou need a psychic to find it. And this is what makes
flights can be simulated, no technology on earth isor breaks a vacation. Ultimately, you'll find two kinds
advanced enough to artificially recreate aof people in a vacation resort: those who are having
malnourished tuna fish sandwich and a small, skinnya good time, and those who've lost their suitcases at
pickle on the side which look as "good" as thethe airport. Yet, people never learn. There are
originals. This is the real thing alright!precautions you can take to greatly reduce the
You sit back. You relax. And the worst is over.chances of a lost-suitcase catastrophe. When flying
Not quite.to Florida, for instance, always ship your luggage to
Only a short while into the flight, the pilot comes onOkinawa. This covers you from two angles. First,
the PA system: "Good evening, ladies and gentlemen,your luggage is highly unlikely to ever arrive in
this is your captain speaking." (It's a good thing pilotsOkinawa, and therefore has a better chance of
always precede their announcements with thisarriving in Florida than if you had sent it to Florida to
phrase. Otherwise, passengers might think it'sbegin with. Then, in the unlikely event that your
Francisco Valenzuela-Lopez, announcing a K-Martluggage does arrive in Okinawa, you must remember
special.) The pilot announces that due to a "minorthat for you, as a passenger on a domestic flight, to
miscalculation" the plane will be making a "small"wind up in Okinawa is not all that improbable. So, no
detour through El Paso, Texas. You quickly take outmatter what happens, there's a good chance you'll
your calculator and try to figure out how a plane onhave what to wear.by Josh Greenberger from
a two and a half hour, non-stop flight from Newshopndrop.
York to Florida can make a "small" detour through El