| Airport Delays from The time you spend at an | | | | and try to figure out how a plane on a two |
| airport could cut days off your vacation. | | | | and a half hour, non-stop flight from New |
| | | | York to Florida can make a "small" detour |
| This is the time of year when many people | | | | through El Paso, Texas. Your only answer is |
| interrupt their busy lives to get away from | | | | that the pilot must be an aspiring astronaut |
| it all. Some call it a vacation. Others call | | | | - by astronomical standards, the star Alpha |
| it "ten days at the airport." The airlines | | | | Centauri, about four light-years away, can |
| don't care what you call it as long as you're | | | | still be considered a "small detour" from the |
| literate enough to understand the meaning of | | | | sun. So three thousand miles off course is |
| the two most important words in the English | | | | certainly a "minor miscalculation." You |
| language -- "delayed" and "cancelled." In | | | | suddenly feel lucky to still be inside the |
| fact, these two words are more important than | | | | solar system. |
| learning how to use a life jacket. Because | | | | |
| the odds of going down in a plane these days | | | | In an effort to calm some of the irate |
| are very slim, due to the fact that the odds | | | | passengers, the pilot adds that the stopover |
| of going up in one in the first place is | | | | will be "short." Now you go into a panic. |
| practically nil. But not fully comprehending | | | | Does he mean "short" like in "small" and |
| these two words can mean spending days at an | | | | "minor?" That could be a major problem -- the |
| airport, literally not knowing whether you're | | | | lease on your apartment runs out in a few |
| coming or going. | | | | short months. You try explaining to the |
| | | | stewardess that you can't afford "short" |
| The inefficiency of some airlines brings a | | | | stopovers -- you tied your dog down to a pole |
| very disturbing thought to mind: had Ponce de | | | | at Kennedy airport, not expecting to be gone |
| Leon been dependent on this mode of | | | | for too long. You get the typical response, |
| transportation, there's a good chance Florida | | | | "Am I flying the plane?" I usually respond, |
| would have been discovered by Cuban "boat | | | | "Well neither is the pilot -- how about |
| people." Americans, as a result, would have | | | | letting me take a shot at it?" |
| been deprived of an abundance of robust | | | | |
| sunshine, not to mention a lot of wholesome | | | | Naturally, the "short" stopover turns into |
| orange juice. And god knows how Don Johnson's | | | | another long, airport coffee interlude. You |
| career would've gotten started. | | | | now rack up enough cups to become an honorary |
| | | | citizen of Brazil, and wind up with enough |
| To say that planes seldom take off on time is | | | | caffeine in your system to revive a comatose |
| like saying chickens seldom ride bicycles. | | | | patient just by breathing in his direction. |
| And when the former does happen, it's almost | | | | Then comes the good news: sleeping on your |
| as amazing as the latter. Spending eight | | | | suitcase at an El Paso airport is a lot safer |
| frustrating hours in an airline terminal | | | | than sleeping inside a vault in some New York |
| building drinking coffee, reading newspapers, | | | | neighborhoods. That's really great news. Next |
| and catnapping as you wait to board a plane, | | | | time you'll bring along your safe deposit |
| makes you wonder whether the advertisement, | | | | box. |
| "Come, fly with us," really means, "Come, | | | | |
| stay with us." | | | | You eventually take off again. This time you |
| | | | know your plane is headed in the right |
| You finally board a plane, and, "Fly our | | | | direction because the pilot is using a new |
| friendly skies," begins to sound more like, | | | | navigational method -- he's following a flock |
| "Taxi our friendly runways" - an hour later | | | | of migrating Hummingbirds. The reasoning |
| you're still on the ground. And you're sure | | | | behind this is very simple: you never see a |
| the pilot must be breaking in either the | | | | flock of Hummingbirds stranded inside a |
| tires or the runway. Your only hope is that | | | | terminal building. Conclusion: they must know |
| the airline isn't breaking in the pilot. | | | | where they're going. |
| | | | |
| That long-awaited moment -- takeoff -- | | | | You land in Florida, kiss the ground, quickly |
| finally arrives as a total shock. It's the | | | | run over to the luggage carousel, and have |
| last thing you expect. You wonder, is it | | | | horrifying visions about kissing your |
| really happening, or are you in a flight | | | | suitcase good-by. The suitcase situation is |
| simulator? You order a meal, and, sure | | | | like a mystical experience - you spend a |
| enough, it confirms your trip's | | | | fortune on a suitcase with all sorts of locks |
| unquestionable reality - although flights can | | | | and zippers so that not even Houdini could |
| be simulated, no technology on earth is | | | | get in, then you need a psychic to find it. |
| advanced enough to artificially recreate a | | | | And this is what makes or breaks a vacation. |
| malnourished tuna fish sandwich and a small, | | | | Ultimately, you'll find two kinds of people |
| skinny pickle on the side which look as | | | | in a vacation resort: those who are having a |
| "good" as the originals. This is the real | | | | good time, and those who've lost their |
| thing alright! | | | | suitcases at the airport. Yet, people never |
| | | | learn. There are precautions you can take to |
| You sit back. You relax. And the worst is | | | | greatly reduce the chances of a lost-suitcase |
| over. | | | | catastrophe. When flying to Florida, for |
| | | | instance, always ship your luggage to |
| Not quite. | | | | Okinawa. This covers you from two angles. |
| | | | First, your luggage is highly unlikely to |
| Only a short while into the flight, the pilot | | | | ever arrive in Okinawa, and therefore has a |
| comes on the PA system: "Good evening, ladies | | | | better chance of arriving in Florida than if |
| and gentlemen, this is your captain | | | | you had sent it to Florida to begin with. |
| speaking." (It's a good thing pilots always | | | | Then, in the unlikely event that your luggage |
| precede their announcements with this phrase. | | | | does arrive in Okinawa, you must remember |
| Otherwise, passengers might think it's | | | | that for you, as a passenger on a domestic |
| Francisco Valenzuela-Lopez, announcing a | | | | flight, to wind up in Okinawa is not all that |
| K-Mart special.) The pilot announces that due | | | | improbable. So, no matter what happens, |
| to a "minor miscalculation" the plane will be | | | | there's a good chance you'll have what to |
| making a "small" detour through El Paso, | | | | wear.by Josh Greenberger from shopndrop. |
| Texas. You quickly take out your calculator | | | | |