| Airplane travel today has become a Darwinian | | | | maneuvering around the billions of other |
| exercise, where only those of Olympic fitness | | | | travelers who are also stuck with layovers |
| will survive. Frankly, given the | | | | (or hangovers) in Atlanta. Halfway through |
| psychological and physical fortitude | | | | your dash from gate14 in terminal B, where |
| required, I'm amazed that anybody will agree | | | | you landed, to gate 89F in terminal Z, where |
| to fly anywhere anymore. Indignities abound, | | | | you will again depart, your carry-on will |
| including the strip poker antics in the | | | | lose a wheel. You schlep it, seemingly for |
| airport security line. First you lose your | | | | miles, as it thuds painfully against your |
| shoes, then your belt, then your hat, if you | | | | right shin with every step.Danger also lurks |
| dared to wear one. You tirelessly whip out | | | | near the Food Court. The intoxicating aroma |
| photo ID to officious TSA agents stationed | | | | from Cinnabon makes you realize that those |
| every five feet all the way to the boarding | | | | cheap airlines have starved you, nearly to |
| gate, careful to refrain from making jokes | | | | death. Though they are boarding your flight, |
| about hidden bombs, even if the jokes are | | | | you must buy a sticky bun to ward off |
| exceedingly clever. These are heavy | | | | immediate famine. Risking all, you stop at |
| sacrifices indeed.Yet the most fatiguing | | | | Cinnabon to rest your bruised shin and buy |
| thing of all is that direct flights have gone | | | | the sticky bun. This presents a new problem, |
| the way of complimentary airline meals, the | | | | since the pastry is the size of your |
| difference being that nobody misses the | | | | carry-on, and now you will have to check |
| airline meals. Let's say you live in Los | | | | either your laptop computer, on which you |
| Angeles and must fly to San Francisco for a | | | | planned to complete your report for the |
| meeting. Sounds easy, right? Wrong! Today, | | | | meeting in San Francisco, or the sticky bun. |
| you can only fly from L.A. to San Francisco | | | | Reasonably, you check the laptop, since who |
| via a layover in Atlanta. Even when you die, | | | | can write a coherent report on an empty |
| you will not be able to catch a flight to | | | | stomach?Naturally, the flight is overbooked |
| Heaven without a lengthy layover in Atlanta | | | | and under-oxygenated, although additional |
| first. (If you are going to Hell, your | | | | oxygen is available for only $20.00 per |
| layover is in Dallas-Fort Worth.) You have | | | | passenger. You press the button to recline |
| two hours between connecting flights, which | | | | your seat, instantly breaking the nose of the |
| you think is plenty of time. But you will | | | | passenger behind you. "Hey!" the bloodied |
| barely make it, having to sprint like a | | | | little man in 29F shouts. |
| football player in a Hail Mary move, | | | | |